Trauma-Karma Gaia

 

After years of feeling disconnected from my body and struggling with anxiety that seemed to come out of nowhere, I finally picked up Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's groundbreaking book on trauma. What began as casual reading turned into a 30-day personal experiment that fundamentally changed my relationship with myself. Here's what happened when I committed to daily body-based trauma healing practices.

Week 1: Resistance and Restlessness

I started with the basic breathing and body scan exercises described in the book. Five minutes of focused breathing felt like torture. My mind raced, my legs twitched, and I constantly checked the time. Van der Kolk explains this as the body's resistance to slowing down when it's been in a state of hypervigilance—and mine was clearly screaming in protest.

By day 7, I could sit for ten minutes without checking my phone. Small victory, but significant.

Week 2: The Tears I Didn't Know I Had

During a yoga nidra exercise from Chapter 13, something unexpected happened: I started crying. Not dramatic sobbing, just quiet tears while focusing on sensations in my chest. I hadn't cried in years, priding myself on "staying strong." According to van der Kolk, this emotional numbness is common in trauma survivors—we disconnect from bodily sensations that might trigger emotional pain.

The most surprising part? I felt lighter afterward, not worse.

Week 3: Rediscovering Joy Through Movement

Van der Kolk emphasizes that trauma gets "stuck" in the body, and movement helps release it. I incorporated the rhythmic exercises from Chapter 16, despite feeling ridiculous dancing alone in my apartment.

Around day 18, I experienced what the book describes as "flow state"—complete immersion in movement without self-consciousness. For ten minutes, I felt genuinely playful for the first time since childhood. My perpetually tense shoulders relaxed. I slept through the night without waking—a rare occurrence.

Week 4: The Social Engagement System Awakens

The final week focused on interpersonal exercises, which terrified me most. I practiced maintaining eye contact while regulating my breathing (a simple exercise from Chapter 20). I noticed how quickly I'd previously look away when feeling vulnerable.

The change others noticed first: I started speaking up in meetings instead of rehearsing what to say and then staying silent. My voice literally became stronger and more resonant.

The Subtle But Profound Changes

No, I didn't experience a miraculous overnight transformation. What happened was more sustainable—a gradual rebuilding of my relationship with my body. Specifically:

Physical symptoms I'd normalized disappeared: the constant stomach knots, jaw clenching, and random heart palpitations I began recognizing emotional states through physical sensations before they overwhelmed me My sleep improved dramatically, with fewer nightmares and middle-of-night panic I stopped dissociating during stressful conversations

Perhaps most significantly, I developed a framework for understanding why certain situations triggered me so intensely, rather than beating myself up for "overreacting."

What I Wish I'd Known Before Starting

Van der Kolk's work emphasizes that trauma treatment isn't just about processing painful memories—it's about restoring the body's sense of safety and agency. The exercises aren't complicated, but they require consistency and self-compassion.

If you're considering a similar experiment, start small. Five minutes daily is better than an hour once a week. And most importantly: progress isn't linear. Some days I felt worse before feeling better, which is normal when reconnecting with sensations you've numbed.

No book or 30-day experiment magically erases trauma, but van der Kolk's body-centered approach provided something medication and talk therapy alone hadn't: a way to feel safe in my own skin again. And that changes everything.